C H A S M S

The flat was a mess. It reflected what I had been myself these last few months. Rotting leftovers. Cigarette smoke smelling furniture. Broken Amstel bottles like traps on the floor. Blood stained walls. Insects. A sigh escaping my mouth as my eyes witnessed the scenes: both, the outer and inner, for I too was a mess, and the flat reflected this quite faithfully. There was no doubting the fact that I needed help. And maybe I called for it in my sleep the night before. I’m sorry. I need you. I’m sorry. Outside the world kept moving. Stuck, but it never stopped. The cold air hit my face. This is the end, it said. From this ten-story high balcony I let another sigh escape. The city heard a Becoming announced.

4:20am. My life has been somewhat chaotic this week. Not much happened, it just went by like a tornado. Unannounced. My lower back hurts like hell. I’m nobody. I know I’ve said this before but… I’m whoever you want me to be. I often wonder who I want me to be, if I want to be anything at all. Everything on this Earth feels so absurd (and by everything I mean absolutely EVERYTHING). All I want is to feel comfortable in my skin. I just want to live human experiences, I don’t want to judge them. I was born in this human form, after all. 4:55am. // Her eyes went on a killing spree. Bang! I was her seventh victim. Bang! Fell on my back. 5:12am. Bang! Heart skips a beat. Skips two beats. Skips life. 987.77Hz. Flatline. Man on the moon.

BANG!

I’m a normal kid. Regular. Upside down. Almost there. Not quite. What am I supposed to do, anyway? I don’t believe in destiny. She sat next to me and asked what my name was. I said sorry I can’t say it. Well why not? I don’t believe in names. Not mine.

I’m too blurry to bear a name. Woolly. Almost there. Not quite. 

I know I might lose you. Chances are I will. We lose everything, eventually. But I am thankful now. Alive. I am. You are. We. Tangled bodies untangling the mysteries of the universe. Melting. Soaring. Up. Here. Now.